she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
you win again, gameday.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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