just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
