You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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