so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
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