I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
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