Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Randomize
