If i could tip my vagina, i would.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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