i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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