Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Randomize
