And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Randomize
