i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
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