it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
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