Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Randomize
