I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
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