my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
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