some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
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