Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
mondays should just be called national damage control day
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
