my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Randomize
