I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
this must be what syphilis tastes like
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
