I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
