I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
You smell like a Billy Joel song
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Randomize
