Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
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