Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Randomize
