My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
that is very illegal...i love you.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
