You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
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