I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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