you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
Randomize
