it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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