dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Randomize
