News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
ugly people sure do ruin things
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
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