John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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