im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
zippers are such a cool invention
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
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