can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize