I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
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