Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
