Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Randomize
