The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
