i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
Randomize
