I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
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