Will you blow on my dice?
it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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