Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Randomize
