I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
We're hate flirting, damnit.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
