Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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