last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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