I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Randomize
