I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
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