If i come over, it means nothing
I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Randomize
