Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
no you cant smoke seaweed
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
Randomize
