I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Randomize
