I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
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