She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Randomize