How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
