there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
