I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
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