Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
