ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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