the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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